Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Down Day

Good morning (or evening-depending on where you are) my dear friends!

It's kind of funny in the way that I had started this post a few days ago and had it interrupted by my husband's medical crisis and readmission to the hospital.  I put it on hold and can just now finally come back to it and finish it.

I have had such a wide array of emotions lately. The biggest of them being depression.  I'm on two anti-depressants for the fibro and yet I still am depressed! Go figure.  When I look back on my life, in my eyes, I just don't see much that I've accomplished.  I'm not world famous for some invention, I'm not Mother Theresa (not even close!) nor have I written that New York Times Bestseller novel I always promised myself I'd do.  I love writing and it is my main mode of communication.  Growing up with a speech impediment, you find anyway to express yourself - without speaking - and my mode was written word.  Now, I HAVE written a lot of poems, but that's about it. And now just recently, I've started this blog.  Hard to believe I've been blogging for almost three months now.  So much has happened in those three months, it's hard to believe!

My husband and I have had such a hard time of it these past few years.  We've never lived alone - just him and I.  We lived with my parents for ten years because they couldn't afford rent AND to eat, and we couldn't afford our rent, their food bill AND our own bills, so we decided to consolidate households and we lived together until my mom died in 2008.  Now my dad is living in a senior apartment complex in Michigan and my hubby and I are living with HIS parents now, because I can't work due to my low back issues and the fibro and my husband can't work because of his cancer and the medication to treat it causes severe bone and joint pain. He is on disability - they approved him the first time.  Me-I've applied, been rejected, filed an appeal, been rejected again, and am now waiting for a hearing.  I don't know if my lawyer is real or not, I've never seen her face-to-face.  She only does business over the phone.  What's up with that? Do I know how to pick 'em or what?  I haven't heard from her in months and with all the drama going on with first my dad and then my hubby, I've let things slip a little.  If only the folks at Social Security could see me and how I function....or DON'T function....it would be a different story.  I don't know what hurts worse on me - my left foot or right calf - and I have this pain on a daily basis, regardless of all the medications I take.  It just seems like pain, lack of good sleep and keeping my husband OUT of the hospital are all my life is made up to do.  Anyone ever feel like that sometimes?

OK, I'll knock it off now.  We have a roof over our head, and a very nice one, too. I even have something I've wanted my whole life....an awesome sister-in-law and brother-in-law!!  I thank Frankie for sharing them with me. :0)  Even if I were to be approved for disability, it would make my life HARDER (yes, you read right) as then I'd lose my state health benefits because we would be over the limit on earnings.  So my disability check would go for doctor's appointments, labs and medications.  I just feel so bad for being a "leech" on my in-laws for two years now.  I wish I could contribute in some way. I can't even do housework with how bad my back is and now my feet with the plantar fascitis.  Every time I stand, it takes my breath away!  I know my in-laws are itchin' to get into their Winnebago and hit the high road, but with my hubby in and out of the hospital so often now, they are afraid to go and leave us for any period of time.  It just is so unfair! When will we get a break? ARGH!!!!!!!

OK, sorry. I really will knock it off now!  On Thursday I go to the foot doctor to see what can be done about my in-grown toenail on my right foot and the severe pain in my left foot.  So we'll take care of that.  My hubby is doing better, no more fever, but he is on potent IV antibiotics.  Last night they took him down to radiology to look at the drain and possibly replace it, but it didn't need replacement.  They injected it with a clot buster medication and it's working fine.  I flushed it once a day when he was home....that's all I could do with the limited amount of flushes I had.  Even Tim was having a hard time getting them at the home health agency!  He said they only gave out flushes to patients with PICC lines or other IV ports. NOT drains.  What kind of crazy, stupid arrangements is THAT?  If insurance companies would just listen to how stupid their rules are, I'll bet they would change some of them!

Now I'm worried that my state insurance plan won't cover the LapBand procedure I want to undergo.  I go to that seminar Aug. 24th and then make an appt. with the bariatric surgeon.  I read on the LapBand website that some insurances won't cover it and they have these financial plans you can apply for.  But with our credit history, nobody is crazy enough to approve our application!  And I just feel like this is my final hope. I've quit losing weight, in fact now I'm gaining again!  The last few doc appointments I've had shown an upward rise on the weight scales!  And I'm not doing anything differently or cheating by eating a whole Sara Lee cake!  I think it's water retention, as my feet are still very swollen.  If I could have this LapBand surgery, I believe it would help in so many ways.  With the water retention, my back (maybe I could even work again!) and it would take a lot of weight off of my legs and feet.  I'm almost afraid to get my hopes up when I see the surgeon because I'm fearful they will just come crashing back down around my swollen ankles!  But nothing ventured, nothing gained as the saying goes.  Just pray that my insurance covers this operation!!

I guess I'll close this post and get on with the day and see where it takes me.  I'll see my hubby around noon, as I noticed that the chances of getting a good parking space is right around then.  I've had ample opportunity to study the parking lot, that's for sure!  I have it memorized by now.  My husband just HAS to get better and stay out of that place for longer than a week!!

Thank you for reading this and listening to me blather on about my problems. Hope I didn't bore you too much.  I really appreciate all my followers and all my friends.  If not for you and my family & the Good Lord above, I would have given up long ago.

Have a good day and remember to have some fun, too.  Life isn't all worries and work....THANK GOD!!!  I keep telling myself this over & over....

Love ya all,
Until next post,
Missy

4 comments:

  1. Hi Missy! I have been following you for a while now. Thank you for changing fonts! It was really hard to read before, now it is a piece of cake. Have you tried to break down the symptoms to be their own on the application for disability? that is what I did. I didn't lump anything under fibromyalgia. I listed headaches, memory and concentration problems separately and I think that is what helped me be approved right away. If you tried it, I hope things work out better for the approval. Good luck with the disability issue! Glad your husband is out of the hospital again. Let's hope he stays out for a while now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, Heather, for your comments. I'm so sorry my font was difficult to read before, I'm glad I DID change it so now my readers can read what I write! :0) So thank you for bringing that to my attention. As for the disability issue, I went mostly with the rheumatoid arthritis when I applied on my own. This lawyer I hired wants to go on the depression issue regarding the fibromyalgia. Well, I think it's harder to prove depression than it is my very bad back with the lumbar discs slipping (I even have MRI proof!), as you know fibro is very hard to prove as it doesn't show up on labs or X-ray. Anyway, my appeal was denied so I my lawyer is setting up a hearing, I think. When my hubby is out of the hospital, I'll call her office and see what's up. Thank you again for your comments and for following my blog! God bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi! I have just recently started blogging. So, I'll be honest, in the hopes of getting people to come check out my blog, I decided to start reading other people's blogs and commenting on them. Selfish I know. But then something happened, as I started reading, I realized how very hard some people have it. Now this whole fibromyalgia journey has been hard for me and my family and even my boyfriend as well. But at the end of the day, I'm still on my feet. As I was reading your posts and learning about your struggles as well as your husband's, my heart really went out to you. Here is my little input on what I read. You have soooo much stress going on in your life. And it seems like it has been that way for a really long time. I know how easy it is for people to say "stop stressing so much." So I promise that isn't what I'm going to say. Instead I really recommend that you pick a day , maybe make it today, to pamper yourself a little bit and try to relax. Take a hot bath, or soak your feet in some hot water, sit outside and read your favorite book. Try to think about things that make you happy and take a few minutes to just forget about all the things you have to worry about. Even if it doesn't last long, a little bit can go a long way. On the days when I'm feeling really depressed and down about myself I find that it also helps to make myself pretty, as I call it. I put on a nicer outfit than normal, I take my time to do my makeup, and I put on some perfume. If you feel pretty, you feel a little bit better about yourself. I'm sorry for just rambling on and on. But I really hope that even if just for a few minutes, you feel happier.
    Gentle hugs and big smiles to you!
    Tenina

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you, Tenina, for your nice comments. You are right, I do need to set one day aside (or even a half-day) that is reserved for something fun. I LOVE reading mystery novels, I miss doing that because of all the activity that has been going on in my life. But life is just too short to waste it worrying or being stressed out. My mom was like that until she died in 2008 and it got her nowhere. So thank you for reminding me to have some fun, too!!! And I will read your blog. I don't think it's selfish of you at all to want to advertise it on other people's links. That is what the links are there for. And you work hard on your blog...so flaunt it!
    You have a good day, my new friend.
    Hugs,
    Missy

    ReplyDelete

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