Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Would Die For That

Howdy, friends.

I had a different blog post planned for this morning, but something else just popped out that I can't hold in much longer.  I thought I was over this issue in my twenties when my husband got cancer and is on a life-long chemo drug and I thought I was over this issue when I got the fibro and arthritis and knew that I couldn't carry a baby for nine whole months with my back the way it is.  I thought so many, many things...but now the yearning is back, the hollow ache inside my soul, the bitter tears upon my face.  If I live to be a hundred and thirty nine, I still will have ONE regret.....never being pregnant.  Feeling something inside me, "kicking" and living and breathing.  Taking cute belly pictures every week (I could do that, sure, but it would be my FAT belly with no baby inside!), thinking up nursery themes and buying clothes.  Of making my dad a grandpa and my in-laws grandparents, too.

Man, I have it bad today.  I guess I've been reading too many pregnant lady blogs recently.  I can't help myself, though.  I love hearing the stories and seeing the pictures.  It amazes me what God has created.....but not for me.  Why?  Oh, I've asked myself this so many times that it's a given.  Would I be a bad mother?  Why do so many drug-addicted teenagers get to have babies and I don't?  I'm married, I'm educated and as soon as I lose my weight, I'll be back at work.  I just don't understand God's ways sometimes.  But it bums me out every time I think about it.

To all those that read this, please don't get me wrong.  I am soooo glad for every baby born to healthy, beautiful and caring parents.  You deserve it!!  I've been following "Kelly's Korner" blog (you can find her in my blog roll to the side) and she posted on her blog a beautiful song that so gets where I'm coming from.  It's called "I Would Die For That."  I cry my heart out every time I hear it, which so far has been three times. :0)  I will post it here so you can hear the beautiful song, too.
Isn't that a gorgeous song?  I'm not sure who sings it, my eyes get so teary I can't read most of the words on the video.  I just know it is my mantra of not being a mother.

I don't think my husband is much affected by our plight.  He never really cared one way or another.  If we did have kids, great.  If not, who cares?  He gives me support, but not being a woman, he just can't understand that "nesting" feeling that goes on in a woman's body and soul.  I get very upset at my body that it has so many things wrong with it, I can barely carry MYSELF let alone a baby, too.  I'm only 40, but feel 90....and that's a GOOD day!!  We have no money to adopt or foster parent, so that is out.  Adoption is so risky anyway.  You get a child, they take your heart away, and then the biological parents are at the doorstep wanting their baby back.  Surrogates are the same way.  Nine months of pregnancy, they see the baby's face for the first time, and she keeps it.  I don't blame her.  I would do that, too, probably.

OK, I feel slightly better talking about this.  Thank you for listening.  If anyone is like me, I'd love to hear from you.  How you deal with knowing you will never be called "mom?"  Are there any support groups out there for this?  I'll have to look.  I think my "nesting" urge is even worse than when I was in my twenties.  I believe it's because I'm running out of time and menopause will be soon.  And I had that endometrial ablation procedure last year because of my blood clot I had in my leg.  They were afraid I'd bleed too much with each period, so they stopped them all together.  Heck, I figure if I am not going to use my "baby parts", why have them?  I'd have a hysterectomy if they would let me.  I remember signing the consent form for the ablation procedure and it saying I would be rendered "sterile."  I had no choice anyway, so I signed the consent.  So now I am a mommy to my cat, "Jack."  To cheer me up, I'll post this cute picture I took of him recently.  I got one of those "pillow pets" for Christmas and Jackie had taken a liking to my lady bug.  He's such a stinker of a cat!!  But I love him so!!
He may be short and fuzzy and speak another "language", but he is my "son" nonetheless.  And I do thank God for all the other blessings I have in my life.  My family, being one.  And it's about to grow, too.  My father and his girlfriend, Gina have announced their engagement awhile back.  They promised me they would wait for the wedding until I had my surgery, since I'm unable to travel at this time.  I'm so excited for them!  They make a really sweet couple and it is so apparent how much they love each other every time I hear them on the phone.  We use our webcams sometimes, too.  I am so thankful my dad is no longer lonely and in grief.  We will never forget mom.  God, HOW COULD WE?  She was our everything.  But she is gone and life must go on.

I hope you all are well and happy and having a good 2011 so far.  I appreciate each and everyone who reads my blog....even when I'm depressed like I am today!!!

God bless you all!
Big hugs,


  1. I totally understand. I am not able to have children either because of my blood disorder. As for adopting, which is actually what I always wanted to do too, I am not healthy enough to take care of a child. Yes, my one regret in this world is I didn't get to be a Mommy, which like you, was my life long ambition. I really wanted to be a mom and that is never going to happen. It is hard to accept, but I pretty much have. I do have twinges of feeling sorry for myself when I hear someone is pregnant. I am happy that they are having a baby, but I still get that twinge.

    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

  2. Thank you, Heather! I really appreciate your comments. It's nice to hear from those like me. :0) God bless you!

  3. Desiree from Living FibroSeptember 15, 2011 at 8:28 AM

    I feel your pain! I have P.C.O.S. so its really hard for me to conceive. Even if I had the ability I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle all of the work that comes along with being a mom because of the fibro. It doesn't make the yearning go away though. I find myself crying at diaper commercials and thinking to myself "What am I doing?" Its hard but I treat my dogs and cats as my children and that makes my life very fulfilling.

  4. Oh Missy,
    My heart goes out to you! My mother's aunt was never able to have children. She was a surrogate mother to Mom and Grandmother to me. I loved that woman with all my heart and she would have been a wonderful mother. She had dog's and they were her life, she loved them, trained them and grieved when they passed. She has been gone for so many years but our family has so many wonderful memories of this beautiful, giving woman..and I wish I could hug her one more time!

  5. I don't know what to say. I love you so much and just pray that peace will enter in. And with that peace, joy.

  6. Thank you, Lorie. I needed that...and beautiful friends like you. :0)

  7. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. My husband and kitty are my life and I would be totally lost without them!!

  8. I know precisely what you mean. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes me feel better knowing there are people out there like "me." See? We should have some sort of group or something. All you hear about is pregnancies and not near enough about those that CAN'T get pregnant. God bless you!

  9. Thank you for sharing this with me. You are right, it's so similar to what I posted but a different take on it. You've made me feel not so alone and sometimes I do when all my friends are going on to have new babies after their losses and I'm just stuck.

    And also thank you so so much for not being one of those ladies who says 'Well you have two older children, you shouldn't be upset that you can't have more now' it really does mean the world to me.

    I'm praying for you my new friend and sending you so much love

  10. Thanks! I, as well, am praying for you, too. May we hold each other up in strength and hope. God bless you!! And I hate those empty comments,too, like..."at least you still have one or two more!" Doesn't grieve and miss for those you lost and you always will.

  11. Missy, sometimes in life...God gives us all challenges at one time or another..
    to test our strength in other areas of life. when the 3 of us were living at home your mother and I had certain ways of putting them into proper perspective. like your mother and I have told you before that god gives certain talents for different situations, in other words all of the jobs we do here are important God gives certain talents to people in children rearing, no
    matter the sutuations, u feel all jobs are equally imortant.


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